I say that only facetiously, because as I've mentioned before, missionaries are certainly not superheroes, and therefore, RMs are certainly not gods.
I guess I'm just ruminating on the backend of a lot of stress, pent up inside for the last three years. I used to think that, as a missionary, I placed the highest of expectations I'd ever place upon myself; but when I got home, I realized I was wrong.
I had served a full time mission, and now it was time to endure to the end with the same power, confidence, and faith that I had as a servant of the Lord. I constantly had Jeffrey R. Holland's words in my head:
"When you return home from your mission, you better look like a missionary, you better act like a missionary, you better think like a missionary!"
And who knows, maybe it's just me? Maybe I'm the one who places these high expectations on myself.
RMs are not perfect. We are human. We are flawed. Some of us fall for the wrong girls or guys. Some of us find addiction before we find a spouse - or even after. Some of us find that alcohol helps us forget our problems. And some of us simply pray less and read little.
To some degree or another, returned missionaries are not the glorified beings people think they are, including some single girls and guys out there, who think that they should be before they marry one.
I was once told by a girl that she wanted her husband to emanate the gospel everywhere he went, which I was failing to do.
I don't blame her after all - I want my wife to be centered in the gospel too. But I wonder if she, or anyone else, thinks their spouse has to be perfect? Because that's how I interpreted it.
But since that time of self-doubt and self-hate, I've realized something. In spite of everything I've done, I am a good man.
I have to be a good man. Why else would I still be here?
Just because I don't radiate anti-frowns and anti-sins everywhere I go, it doesn't mean I'm unworthy of being loved.
I try every freaking day of my life.
I've come to believe that we are not defined by our mistakes. It's not who we are. The Lord doesn't care what you've done today or how many times you've done it - what He cares about is whether you get back on your knees tonight and talk to Him about it.
It doesn't matter what comprise our long list of sins - what matters is that we sincerely confess and forsake them. Yeah, I'll probably slip again somewhere down the line, but that doesn't mean I can't be sincere today.
"With the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and the strength of heaven to help us, we can improve, and the great thing about the gospel is we get credit for trying, even if we don’t always succeed" (Elder Holland, Tomorrow the Lord Will Do Wonders Among You, April 2016 General Conference).
We are not defined by the number of times we choose to sin, but by the number of times we choose to repent!
God wants us to come closer to Him, and if it takes a bad day of one mistake after another to bring you to your knees and talk to Him, then so be it! Sin is never condoned, but if it brings you to your knees, then that's what the Lord meant when He said,
"All things shall work together for the good of them that walk uprightly before God," even, I might add, their sins.
And so be easy on yourself. Be easy on others! We're all fighting the good fight on some level or another. Even the sinners. I know because I am one!
But the Lord himself sat at dinner with publicans and sinners, and so if that label gets me a spot next to the Savior the next time I break bread, then I'm not ashamed to wear the scarlet letter. It's better than thinking I have to be perfect! That's what the Pharisees thought, and they didn't get to dine with Jesus.
This isn't me justifying my sins or anyone else's. This isn't me venting out my bitterness either. This is me, I hope, letting you (and to some extent, myself) know that there's still hope. It isn't possible for us to descend deeper than the light of the Atonement can shine.
There is always hope! No matter who you are or what you've done; no matter who looks down on you or thinks less of you; I don't care if you have addictions or just bad habits, the Atonement has bought you at the highest of prices!
Yes, some of us will fall. But if we land on our knees, then we have no reason to fear. Don't give up. Don't jump ship. Stick to the boat. Things are going to be alright when you put your trust in a God who loves you.
"It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll;
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul."
Of this I wish to bear my testimony, in the name of that God who loves us, who is Jesus Christ, amen.
God be with you till we meet again!
Sincerely,
Taylor, a dead missionary
